Cooling out after breaking up. Milieu differences in dealing with relationship failure

Abstract

In his article “On cooling the mark out. Some aspects of adaptation to failure”, Goffman calls the failure of couples’ relationships a prime example of cooling out processes in informal social settings. Against this background, the paper discusses how, on the one hand, theorization in the sociology of the family can benefit from the concept of cooling out. It is argued that Goffman’s concept has considerable advantages over prevalent psychological approaches by offering an integrative and genuinely sociological tool fit for grasping the material and, above all, symbolic consequences of separation as well as the corresponding interpretative crises and coping attempts. On the other hand, the article asks how analysing breakups may serve the further development of the cooling out concept. Based on qualitative interviews with ex-partners, the article shows the existence of milieu-specific preference regarding the interpretive frameworks of “cooling out” that the actors resort to while trying to redefine the situation and their selves. While the (re)construction of “hidden truths” in intimate conversations and the work on one’s self is paramount in the individualist milieu, members of the traditional milieu are rather looking for reassurance concerning their gender role performance by mobilizing public support. Complemented with Goffman’s “frame analysis” and applied in a milieu-oriented perspective, the cooling out concept proves useful by allowing for the identification of starkly diverging interpretative patterns and practices in dealing with breakups.